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Amazing Science in the News
LIGHTENING STRIKES TO THE HEAD
CAUSE HUMANS TO SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY
[Transcript of ZBS live interview with Dr. Tickles, aired on the Nightly
News Report, February 13, 2004]
Ever wonder how human beings evolved the ability to speak so
intelligently, to sing opera, and to report the news? Well, one
scientist may just have the answer.
According to Dr. "Tickles" Wooflebreth of the Wilfurt Sanitarium
Approach to Human Meaning Institute (WSAHMI), human beings may have
developed speech after being struck in the head by lightening. He
developed his hypothesis while working as a maintenance technician at
the Chambers of Artificial Holographic Rehabilitation Testing School
(CHARTS) program in Gary, Indiana.
Dr. Wooflebreth, is it true that you were able to make your initial
breakthrough while working as a night janitor at CHARTS -- while you
were still doing correspondence-school graduate work for your doctorate?
"Yah. Oh, yah!"
Tell us how that happened, Doctor.
"Vell, you know we gots the patients dere who vere needing some
treatments. And when I was done mit my werk of mopping der floors, I
sometimes helped out, you know."
Now correct me, Dr. Wooflebreth, if I'm wrong, but as a student of the
human bio-electrical system, you had been told when hired at CHARTS that
you could study the patients in the sanitarium-school, so long as you
kept all the floors mopped and waxed twice a week. Is that true, Doctor?
"Yah. So I tried the electro-shock treatments on some of them.
Especially if they had not responded to the shocks and treatments
administered by the real doctors during the daytime. Of course, I knew
nossing about how the equipment verked, so I had to do a lot of
experimenting. It was a lot of fun. Boy oh boy!"
So the real breakthrough came when you far exceeded the normal human
capacity for electrical shock. Right?
"Yah. Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give ‘em
enough voltage. Heh heh."
There was trouble when some of the patients died from the late night
treatments, wasn’t there?
“Yah. But CHARTS was able to smooth things over, receiving extra monies
from PBS' NOVA series and from the Science Channel for my
"ground-breaking" research into the human capacity for misery and pain.
And that money made a whole lot of difference. Now they knew I was
somebody.”
What happened next?
"Vell, anyway. I was told to try and control myself a little bit, but to
go ahead with the experiments, if I was done with all my cleaning verk.
Just like before.
"So that's when I really jumped up the voltage, which fried the brains
of most of my subjects. Too bad for them. But one man lived, anyways."
And it was the one patient who lived that you were able to use for your
final doctorate project?
"Yah. Heh heh. 'Sparky' we called him, because... vell, you can guess
why we called him Sparky, heh heh."
After completing your graduate work and earning your doctorate, Dr.
Wooflebreth, you were added to the WSAHMI staff in East Los Angeles. And
there you were able to fully develop your hypothesis on the influences
of electrical shock on the development of the human brain.
You centered your attention on the relationship of electricity to the
origins of human speech. Is that right?
"Yah. Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give them
enough voltage. Heh heh."
Recruiting volunteers off the street, Dr. Tickles, you were able to work
out many of the kinks in your earlier theories?
“Yah. And finally, I zeroed in on the theory that would engrave my name
on the annals of human achievements. I think they call it the ‘Annals of
Human Achievements’ Award.”
And how did that research turn out?
"Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, when you give them enough juice.
Heh heh."
Anyway, tell us Dr. Wooflebreth, when did you know you had really solid
evidence to support your view of the origins of human speech?
“Vell, you know we had to fry a lot of brains to get where we are today.
Nossing great comes without pain and suffering. And boy, did they
suffer! Heh heh.
"But we knew we had a good case when we ran out of volunteers.
Eventually, the word got around that our testing left people very
different. And not usually in a good way, these differences. Some people
started calling me, 'Dr. Frankenheimer'..."
You mean, 'Frankenstein.'
"Whatever."
But you did have a series of successful experiments, right? A measurable
progress in evidences to give support to your arguments? You know, the
old "proof is in the pudding" kind of stuff?
"No, not really. Never cared much for puddings, myself. Always a Jello
man, you know. ‘J-E-L-L-O!’ Anyway, the funding ran out and the AMA was
threatening to shut us down. The neighbors were complaining about the
burning smells every day. And besides, our food bill at the Hamburger
Shack was so high, they cut us off, the dirty birds.
"So we decided it was time to publish our papers, and tell the werld
what we vere sinking. So we had to sink up something. We figured that
the only vay to get that much voltage in Neanderthal times was to get a
lightening strike on the head. So dere you go, and that’s what we
decided to say."
Oh. Really? Gosh, it’s not like that in the movies. So what did the
scientific community have to say about your findings? Do you have a lot
of support?
"Yah, we got some support, here and dere, you know. The evolutionists
love me, you know. The medical doctors awarded me a plaque for extreme
quackery. And I think I’m up for an Oscar, or somezing, in Hollywood.
But you know how it is. Always a lot of jealousy among the scientists."
I see. Well, thank you, Dr. Tickles, for your time.
And there you have it folks, the world’s first live interview with Dr.
"Tickles" Wooflebreth. As always we bring you the best of the best in
new scientific research and discovery.
When you need to know, you know where you can go. This is Alec
McZophkins, saying, "Good Night" from East Los Angeles.
Back to you, Dan.
End of clip.
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